Choking

A mistake. A bad decision. I just made a choice that I really regret, and now I feel really bad. 

This one isn’t like a mistake I’ve done in the past where I could just say sorry to the kid I pushed off his bike, or where I could just squeeze out of harms way by careful words and actions. No, this time I just laid waste to an entire year’s worth of work and struggle. Waste. 

Most days I don’t think about it, but some days, I’ll think about all the things I’ve done in my life, and inevitably this mistake shows up. The worst part is that it was a mistake that hurt no one except myself, and it was a mistake that was a result of extreme short-sight. Short-sightedness. 

And when this mistake shows up in my thoughts, a bunch of other mistakes show up. Then suddenly I find myself struggling to handle any other thoughts or ideas, as I am so sorely crippled by the weight of my own self-pity. Choking. 

I try to walk it off. I try to think about something else, move my mind to something more positive and stimulating. Maybe I’ll watch a movie, listen to some music, play some video games, or possibly hang out with my friends. Whatever it is, I try to get away from the thought of that thought. Thinking. 

In the end, I manage to fill my brain with enough filler to get to the bed and sleep it off. Hopefully I am exhausted enough from whatever activities I did that day so that I have no energy left to think about things while I sleep. Hopefully. 

Sleep is good. Yes sleep is good. Maybe enough sleep will let me forget these thoughts. Maybe. 

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